Saturday, August 29, 2009

Rip-Off Theater: The Killer Snakes

Who does not love killer animals? They are just like people, only with less morals and qualms about pooping where we sleep. One of the most famous films of that type in the 1970s was Willard, a film that has yet to appear on Region 1 DVD. This movie did really well, even inspiring a sequel called Ben, which is most famous for its theme song. You know, that song by Michael Jackson that is about a boy and his rat. It won a Golden Globe and was even nominated for an Oscar. I mention all those accolades to build you up improperly for the level of today's film. It is a Shaw Brothers film that was made under their Horror label. It really wants to be Willard, but will it succeed? Find out in my review of...
You know how Willard is the tale of a man who finds solace in animals in order to escape life's hardships. This is that same tale, only amped up by a thousand degrees. The man gets a barely-paying job as a delivery boy, but gets beaten up during an early assignment. The thugs- a bunch of random guys and a couple of prostitutes- break the dishes and steal his money. Naturally, his boss fires him for having the dishes broken. Fortunately, he has a lovely little shack to spend his time in and a lady pal to talk to. Of course, she has a dead-end job working in the fish market, a lovely place when Jackie Chan is not starting exhibition fights there. Obtuse reference! She is interrupted at work with news of her father's imminent demise. She arrives in time to hear his last words. This is immediately followed by the land lady telling her that she has to pay his rent for the month. That's cold, bitch!
The movie only gets more down-beat from here. The man gets teased with sex, only to be humiliated and beaten up...again. You would think that their fists would be sore by now! To pay off her dead father's debts, the man's lady becomes a prostitute. How does that work out for her, you ask? Badly, I answer. Things look up for our hero has he discovers the work done by the people next door. They capture cobras, cut out their gall bladders and leave them to die. Did I mention that this movie is very pessimistic towards humans yet? If not, it is and I just did. Our hero befriends and heals one snake, learning that he can think like them in the process. How? Who the hell cares, you picky movie goer?!? These guys are worse than the jerks from Evilspeak and they sacrificed a puppy to Satan because they were drunk! When threatened by the men again, our hero's new friends come to his aid, by way of silly effects. Just picture if the Shaw-Scope was a little wider and you could see the snakes being tossed at the actors. These snakes flop around more than Chinese vampires. Even more obtuse reference!
The 'Willard-ness' gets even more apparent as the revenge comes a-calling. His springing snakes take out a couple men, but the revenge on the one prostitute is more personal. Showing that shibari is popular in China, he ties the lady up whilst she is naked and tortures her with snakes. The climax- an ironic choice of words- involves one of the snakes crawling inside of her and...biting her, I guess. I just hope that is what happens. It only escalates further when his girlfriend's pimp causes her to O.D. Time to get some mega-super-revenge! Call in the snake circle! This scene runs for several minutes and has some strange, strange moments. Much like the hero in Scarface, the guy refuses to go down. The high-point of this is the bit where he chops up snakes as they 'leap' at him. The man goes down eventually, but things turn sour. The police get too close, so our 'hero' decides to ditch them in a burning building. When they survive, they are a bit soured on him and kill the guy. Nearly everyone is dead and maimed- hurray! The End.
This movie is not for the weak of heart or stomach. The movie is full of snakes biting people and being chopped up. The 'no animals were harmed in the making of this film' message is very conspicuous in its absence. Much like Evilspeak, the movie is very imbalanced in its dark to light tone. You get tired of seeing the poor guy get tortured and just want the movie to end. When the revenge finally comes, it ends up being worse than anything that was ever done to our hero. So, the lesson is 'don't get revenge because you will just die from snake bites?' Okay, thanks. I won't do that now, movie. Can I go home now? Thanks.
Just to keep your guys on your toes, here is a film that rips off X-Men and Nightwatch in one fell swoop. You're welcome. Stay tuned...

2 comments:

  1. Really cool write up on the first Shaw horror film I ever saw. I got a hold of a wide English version back in the early 90's that was battered and looked like it had been drug through the mud. This only enhanced the grimy atmosphere to an alarming degree.

    Kuei Chi Hung was a master at creating sadistic and nauseating scenes of torture and violence. Most of his output is riddled with this kind of film. He learned a lot from Chang Cheh.

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  2. I HAVE to see this one, though Stanley was basically the same premise and entirely let me down. Im 100% in on this one, thanks for the heads up! There better be Chinese Rattlesnakes in it..

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